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Meeting Notes March 25, 2015
Our Greeter this morning was Joe Goll. President Barbara rang the bell at 7:30 a.m. Pastor Jean Masiko gave a very nice invocation.
GUESTS: Alicia Ruiz Orbin *Allentown RC)
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Barbara showed photos, first of the Interact club’s floor hockey fundraiser tournament that netted $600 and the IC will add $400 raised before and buy a ShelterBox.
The next photos were of the March 23rd Rotary Foundation Recognition Dinner.
“Purses for Polio sale with scarves will begging tomorrow at the evening meeting at the Holiday Inn and carryover to April 1st if necessary. Come for the sale and stay for the meeting – Thursday March 26th.
Snack Packing will be at Northwestern Lehigh HS next Wed April 1st. The Middle School students will help too.
On Friday March 27th AW Rotarians will have a JOINT LUNCHTIME MEETING with the Allentown RC at the Renaissance Hotel where the Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.N. will be featured. There are 12 AW Rotarians registered to attend.
Tempting Tastes – Please sell at least 5 Admission tickets; but on-line. Sponsors still are needed. At our April 10th meeting there will be some great real food samples.
Gwenn said that “An Occasional Treat” chocolate company have signed on.
Herb reminds us that the silent auction needs items. We have 30 and need 70 more at least.
Note that TT has a Facebook page and a website.
Engineers Without Borders (EWB) on April 10th will hold their silent auction at the DaVinci Science Center.
May 16th is the District Training Assembly in Blue Bell at MONYCO CC starting at 8:00 a.m. Club officers and members are encouraged to attend. The fee is $30 which covers lunch. At 2:00 PM there will be an RI Foundation Grant Model training session for certification. Earlier Barb and Herb will be presenting AW projects.
Herb has called a Membership Committee meeting to follow today’s meeting.
New member Orientation training sessions will begin again in April.
Pat Panfile is the scheduled Greeter for April 1sy. The program is EWB and the Centennial School. And we will honor a Student-of-the-Month.
GAMBLING:
The door prize gift donated by Joe Goll was won by Bob Nagle The $117 pot of the 50:50 was not won by Rev. Jeff Kistler who selected a white marble out of six total.
FINES:
S-a-A Don Davis fined Joe Goll and Candi for being late, and Alicia for not having a pin. Bill Weber paid $5 to get back Sue’s silver Cross pen left behind last week. Gwenn promoted a Yard Sale.
HAPPY DOLLARS:
Barb noted that Hope Pearson is one of 25 voted as “Women of Influence” in the Lehigh Valley.
Candi is happy that Gloria is organizing a Bazaar at Ziegels Church with proceeds going to Snack Packs.
Alicia announced that the Interact Students at William Allen HS will conduct a Four way Test Speech Contest this Saturday at Pinebrook starting at 10 a.m. Please attend.
Al Lewis is doubly happy. He performed a Country $ Western show for the Luther Crest folks. And last week he sang Bass in the Presbyterian Church choir.
Dale Hostetter put in money in recognition of the abuse he has given to Dale Utt.
Bob Gordon is pleased that Bill Palmer’s recent eye surgery seems to have gone well. Bob has just returned from Miami Beach and his eyes are hurting – he says.
PROGRAM:
President Barbara introduced our own Robert M. Gordon, PhD, ADPP. Bob is a Diplomate of Clinical Psychology and a Diplomate of Psychoanalysis in Psychology, as well as Fellow of the Division of Psychoanalysis. He served on the governing council of the American Psychological Association.
Bob was president of the Pennsylvania Psychological Association and received its Distinguished Service Award. He has authored many scholarly articles and books in the areas of psychotherapy, relationships, forensic psychology, personality assessment, diagnoses, the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual, ethics and the MMPI-2. He has a consulting practice in Allentown, PA.
Today Bob is speaking about The Power of Apology, a talk that he recently delivered on stage for TEDx.
Bob is a psychoanalyst and he helps people have better relationships by making their unconscious mind more conscious. Also he is a forensic psychologist and will tell you that psychopaths cannot have good relationships because they have a poor capacity for real remorse and empathy. Bob also is a researcher and can tell you how research has shown that only a small part of our brain’s activity is conscious.
Everyone knows what an apology is, and it does not seem like such a big idea. The apology is one of the earliest things we learn. Young children learn to say, “Sorry,” with the hope that they can avoid punishment and get back into your good graces. However, most people never actually got out of that stage- that is, to apologize to get something- such as forgiveness.
Originally apology meant to defend ones beliefs and behaviors as Socrates did at his trial. But the meanings and use of words change over time. Apology can still be used as a defense, or a statement of regret to get forgiveness.
Today Bob is trying to update the use of the apology so that it is more effective. We should consider the concept of the apology as something used to repair a ruptured relationship. Learning to give a full apology to repair relationships is a giant step for humanity.
Humans have a high level of conflict, due partly to how our brain evolved. Most of this conflict is based in the unconscious mind. About 70% of our thinking, feeling and perceiving is outside of our awareness, yet it has a powerful impact on our relationships. This lack of awareness causes problems for us, because we often do not realize our flaws.
Bob explained about our brain. The reptilian part drives us to reproduce. The mammalian part of the brain, the limbic system, gives us our capacity for love. But humans did not develop a brain structure for lasting intimacy. Lasting intimacies were not necessary for human survival.
Swans, on the other hand, instinctively bond with their mates for life. The quality of human intimacy is dependent on our level of emotional maturity. Right there we are in trouble. Swans do not have to be emotionally mature to have lasting relationships. For them it is on auto-pilot.
Since we have to rely on emotional maturity, most romantic relationships do not last. Nature wants us to reproduce. So, we are programmed to fall into a temporary state of infatuation. Then nature cuts out and we are left to depend on being mature. Since humans are very aggressive animals and we have no instinct for lasting intimacy, we will have a lot of relationship ruptures.
Luckily, we also evolved brain structures for remorse and empathy. This helps us to bond better. Though not everyone got a sufficient number of neurons there such as the psychopath who can never learn to care. Aside from the psychopath, we all can learn to care better.
The normal brain of the child needs to learn about mature relationships from their parents. It is essential for parents to apologize to their children. Our brains evolved to learn by seeing and doing long before language developed. Children need to see their parents use good conflict management skills for them to mature. Parents who refuse to apologize are unable to model mature relationships for their children.
So our personality flaws are often out of our awareness, our brain did not evolve for long term mating, and we needed our parents to develop relationship skills. All that means is that relationship ruptures are part of being human. But we can at least learn to do a better job at repairing these ruptures with an appropriate level apology. The old “sorry” that we learn from childhood is not adequate for most repairs.
Here are the 3 main elements of the full apology with examples from Bob’s consulting practice…identities changed, of course. However, the best examples of bad apologies can be found in the news.
First, acknowledgement. Lucy, a beautiful and intelligent woman in her 30’s came to see Bob after her fiancée broke off their engagement. She cried as she told him how badly she had been treated. She said, “He called me insensitive and wanted an apology. I told him I had nothing to apologize for. So what if I was late again. I heard that the show was not very good anyway. So his friends did not miss much.”
Even hearing just her side of the story, it was clear that she is self-centered. For her, ego maintenance is more important than being considerate. She is unable to acknowledge any wrongdoing. That is the first element of the full apology- to acknowledge wrongdoing. It should start with one word, “I” and a statement of the transgression.
Lucy could say, “I was wrong to be late again and cause everyone to miss the show. There was no excuse for such inconsiderate behavior and defensiveness.”
Second, remorse and empathy. People use an apology to try to manipulate their partner back into the relationship. Jake would drink heavily and then get physically abusive with his wife Cathy. Jake said to Cathy, “I promise it will never happen again. I prayed to Jesus and Jesus forgave me. Do you think that you are better than Jesus?”
Bob told Jake, “Jesus can forgive you, but Cathy does not have to forgive you. You are the one who abuses her. And you are still being abusive by making her feel bad for not giving you what you want.” Jake has little capacity for remorse or empathy. The second part of a full apology is the sincere expression of remorse, that is feeling bad for having hurt someone, and communicating empathy for the other’s feelings frame of reference.
If Jake was not a psychopath and could feel remorse and empathy, he could say, “I feel awful for having hurt you so often. I understand that you feel powerless and bullied by me. I would hate someone to treat me like that.”
Third, restitution. Lenny was very upset that his wife still could not forgive him for his affair. He acknowledged that he was wrong. He felt remorse and empathy, but he felt that since he had repeatedly apologized, she should be over it. Lenny said, “She is still angry. The affair did not last long, and the sex was disappointing.” Lenny did not negotiate a fair and just restitution with his wife. His apology was not dose appropriate. He did not seem to understand that he did not get to set the restitution unilaterally. This is the third part of a full apology, a fair restitution.
Lenny will have to be more understanding, attentive and working to rebuild trust by changing for the better. Expensive jewelry might also help.
In a business relationship, with a service or product failure, the restitution might also include rebuilding trust by not only fixing the problem, but also offering something of monitory value.
For example, “I don’t blame you for you being upset with us because of this problem. I will work with you to get it right so that you are completely satisfied. We also want to give you something in addition so you will know how much we value you as a customer.”
The fair amount of restitution is determined by the degree of injury or injustice. The apology should be dose appropriate. If you give a full apology for just bumping someone as you leave an auditorium, the person will think that you are crazy. However, a grave injustice may warrant substantial monetary, ceremonial, and symbolic restitution.
Here is an example of a powerful use of symbol to express an apology for a great injustice. A German artist Gunter Demnig commemorates victims of the Holocaust by making "stumbling blocks" which are cobblestone-sized memorials in the sidewalk. He covers the stone with a sheet of brass and stamps the person’s name, year of birth, and their fate. There are also the words “Lived Here” and it is placed by their former homes. Every day people see on the sidewalks, the names of the victims and where they lived.
Demnig’s symbolic apology goes to the origins of the Holocaust that was there long before the Nazis. His idea of the ‘stumbling blocks” comes from the old anti-Semitic German expression, that when stumbling over a protruding stone, the German would say: "There must be a Jew buried here.”
His stumbling block memorials are a meaningful full apology.
In addition to dose effectiveness, is the issue of timing.
We all have experienced the late apology. The longer you wait- the more suffering you cause. An apology should be as soon as possible after the wrongdoing to be most effective.
For example, the Inquisition in 1633 found Galileo guilty of heresy. Under threat of being tortured to death, he said that he was wrong about the earth going around the sun. He was then sentenced to spend the rest of his life under house arrest.
In 1992, the Vatican officially apologized to Galileo.
Now don’t wait. Practice repairing relationships with the dose appropriate apology with just the right mix of acknowledgement, remorse and empathy and an appropriate restitution. And you will be empowered to have better relationships.
Note that the foregoing is the entire text of his TEDx talk. Bill P cannot write that fast.
CLOSING:
President Barbara hit the right note to start us singing a good rendition of “America the Beautiful.” This was followed by the recitation of the Pledge to the Flag of the United States and then the saying “One profits most who serves the best.”
ocus on membership for our Club. 
